October 18, 2021
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Lifestyle

Money probs? Blame it on Mercury Retrograde

If times are tight, it might not be your fault (but it also might be)

Over the past few weeks have you:


🌒 Struggled to turn your thoughts into words?

🌒 Made an ass of yourself on a Zoom call?

🌒 Caused a mass social media outage? (Looking at you, Mark)

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a victim of Mercury retrograde and entitled to compensation.



HOW MERCURY’S BEEN CONSPIRING AGAINST YOU


For anyone who doesn’t know, Mercury was in gatorade from September 27 through October 18. Star enthusiasts everywhere say it was the reason for massive breakdowns in communication and tech. Here’s what that could have looked like in your insufferable everyday life:


🥱 You sent your boss a happy hump day gif and they took offense to it (can we all agree to stop calling it hump day?)


🥱 You posted what you thought was a banger tweet and it completely flopped (it’s ok to delete tweets that tank … it’s called iterating with data)


🥱 You added one too many exclamation points in a text to your hair stylist and now they think you want to settle down and start a life with them (I think the limit is two!!)


HOW MERCURY’S BEEN CONSPIRING AGAINST YOUR MONEY


That’s how Mercury might have wrecked your social reputation, but how did it impact your money?


Probably not at all. But we have to blame the lack of decimals in your balance on something.



When Mercury’s in retrograde, you’re not supposed to make any big purchases, decisions or commitments. Like none. That’s because things are likely to fall through, get miscommunicated or be misinterpreted. It’s a wonder why we don’t all gorge ourselves with honey and go into hibernation whenever this happens.


Anyway, here are some money problem examples you can scream at Mercury over:


💔 Your investment in cryptocurrency plummeted

💔 You applied for a loan that had a few sus details in the fine print

💔 The Farmers Only subscription you thought you canceled charged your card

💔 Your Postmates app ✨had a moment✨ and auto-ordered Wendy’s … 12 nights in a row  


(Would love to hear how Mercury victimized you and your money. Tag @meet_cleo on Twitter.)


CLEO’S HERE TO DRY YOUR TEARS


We all got through this traumatic experience … and we did it together. 



Now that Mercury is back to her regularly scheduled orbiting, it’s completely logical to assume your money problems will disappear. We love a little toxic positivity!!


If they don’t disappear soon enough tho, we can help by spotting you up to $100.


Or we can roast the hell out of you about your careless spending until you get yourself back on track. Up to you really.


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Talking to Cleo and seeing a breakdown of your money.